Falling deeper
by pamy
Summary: She believes him. She believes him as she remembers forgotten birtthdays and lost girls in malls. She falls, deeper than ever before, untill she hits rock bottom. And there she stays. Until somebody comes to save her. Bella's pov.


**The tittle doesn't make much sense. I know. Neither does this story I think. I swear it made sense in my mind when I came up with it, but if it doesn't well. Bassicly it's starts at the beginning of new moon and runs trough the entire book, different endign though. **

**Don't own Twilight. Trust me if I did I would have had Jake/Bella. Breakign dawn would never have existed. But it did. So you know I don't own it. **

* * *

Children believe in fairy tales. It's a known fact. And universal truth. And yet, she's always had a problem with the concept of a fairy tale. She never actually truly believed in it. It seemed so obviously made up. Not real – _maybe she did believe in it, once upon a time, but that is so long ago that she can't actually remember it anymore. And that's okay – _just a story. Words on paper, that form a story – _a story sprung from the imagination of other people, who don't actually believe in the magic anymore either - _, but in the end just that. A story. A story to make children believe in magic. In a world were good always wins, where nothing ever goes wrong. Make them believe in another reality, so they don't have to face this one. To make them believe.

But Bella Swan never really believed in the fairy tale.

_Happily ever after _was just a sentence. A fleeting image. A snapshot of a moment, where everything still seemed alright. Perfect. Where the prince and the princess looked at their future and saw nothing but happiness. A happy ending. But Bella always wondered how that could be the ending. How after everything that had happened they could just go on. Nobody ever really knows what comes after that. The story ends there. _Happily ever after, _nobody tells the children what comes next. And in the end she thinks that _happily ever after _are just a bunch of words. And happy endings are fleeting instants.

Happiness is just an emotion. That happy ending can disappear in the blink of an eye.

It's gone before you truly know it's there.

****

Her believe – _that fairy tales can never happen, that happily ever after is just a sentence – _is confirmed many years later. As she stands in front of him – _he who is so beautiful, he who had almost made her believe – _and he tells her he's leaving. That he can't pretend anymore. And she knows. Fairy tales aren't real, they never were. She is not a princess, she'll never be a princess. And he is not a prince. Not at all. Because princes – _real princes who fight dragons to save the princesses – _never look the girls in the eye and say '_you're not good enough for me.' _They never do. It just doesn't happen.

But he does. He _– the prince who was never actually a prince – _looks her in the eye and says '_You're not good for me.' _And she – _the little girl, the one who never actually believe in fairy tales – _whispers _'Not good enough.' _He doesn't look her in the eye – _later, much later, she'll think of that moment and wonder why not? If he was strong enough to tell her she wasn't enough for him, he should have been able to look her in the eye. He should have been. But he wasn't – _he looks at a spot to her right.

She was right after all. Happy endings were just fleeting instants.

She blinked and hers was gone.

*****

'_You're not good enough for me'_ he says. And she believes him, as she remembers forgotten birthdays, and lost little girls in malls, and long endless summers spend alone. She believes him as she remembers seven year old girls asking _'Mommy, mommy, why don't you and daddy live together anymore' _and the answer would be _'Because we don't love each other anymore.' _And seven year old girls then end up wondering why she doesn't live with daddy anymore.

Princes aren't meant to break princesses hearts. Life is not a fairy tale.

She runs after him. She runs because she has to. Because if she stops she'll have to see it, understand it and accept it. And remember and know. That little girls – _and teenage girls – _aren't meant to be broken. And accept the things she's never had, and the things she never will. Because she never had a mother who was a mother – _just Renee, and she was more of a child then Bella ever was – _she never had a father who was actually there – _just once a year, and after living with him for a few months, Bella still doesn't think she'll ever actually know him – _she's never had actually friends _– none that call her anyway – _and she never had a fairy tale prince – _just a boy that looks at her and says 'You're not good enough for me' - _, she's never had any of those things. She doesn't really understand why.

So she runs. She runs because if she stops she'll have to accept the reality.

****

She can't run forever. She's only human after all – _that was perhaps her biggest fault, the one thing Edward could really never get past. But it's not like it was her fault – _and she simply can't run forever. But she has to. Because if she stops, she'll have to see what she has ignored till now. She'll have to see what she's never had, and what in some ways she should have had. But she can't see it. She can't accept it. She just runs. She runs and runs and runs, until the sky darkens and her feet hurt and she stumbles.

And she falls. She falls deeper and further than she's ever fallen before. And she's sure she'll never get up again. She's never truly believe in fairy tales – _but she did believe in love – _and now she's completely shattered. And she falls and falls and falls – _somewhere in the back of her mind, she remembers the story of a girl who fell down a rabbit hole. And she just kept falling, But Alice landed safely, Bella never will – _and it's endless.

She falls until she hits rock bottom. And there she stays. She doesn't get up.

She simply doesn't have the strength.

****

She has this feeling that perhaps she has been falling for years. But nobody ever noticed. She fell with each time she lost. And now she's fallen deeper than ever before, and nobody can reach her. Nobody can save her. She's to far down, to far gone. And they try, they really try. But they don't succeed, because they can't understand. They can't understand why it is that Bella is so broken, so far down, and they try to reach her to pull her back on her feet. But they're simply not strong enough for that.

And Bella knows. And Bella believes him. She believes him when he says _'You're not good enough for me.' _Because she has never actually been. She's never had a mother who was an actual mother. She had Renee. Renee who loved her and cared for her and wanted to take care of her, but never truly succeeded. She thinks of eight year old girls, forgotten in malls, because Renee had seen this guy, and forgotten Bella was actually there. She's never had a mother who was an actual mother, and for years that didn't really matter. Because she had Renee and that was all she ever needed. Until one day – _when she grew up – _she saw other mothers with their children, and was left wondering why her mom couldn't be more like that. _And she fell, but she had Renee, and it was still okay. It was still okay back then was she was ten years old. It was okay. _

She's never had a father who was actually ever there. There's only ever been Charlie. Sometimes she thinks that that might be the reason she can't ever remember to call him dad. Because he never truly was. He was just the person who send her birthday cards – _those years he didn't forget – _and Christmas cars. The person she saw once a year. Dad was just a word _– never truly a person _– and Charlie was just Charlie – _never more, though he should have been. _Once _– when she was seven – _she was convinced her daddy didn't love her, because she didn't live with him anymore. Back then he had been able to convince her that he did. But she had been a child back then, and now nothing was simple. Nothing at all.

She never noticed – _or she never wanted to notice – _that she never had friends. Real friends. The ones who knew everything about you, and who could be told anything. But Bella never really had much to say – _so that was okay – _and she had Renee to talk to, she never really needed anyone else. But it still hurt. It hurt when she moved to Forks and not one of the people she knew in Phoenix ever called. And it hurt when she fell deeper then she had fallen before in September, and not one of them actually tried to help her back up. They simply let her fall. And Alice _– Alice who had been the first real friend she had, if she discounts those summer she spend with Jake and his sisters, Alice who had mattered so much – _had simply dropped her. Left her behind like she never mattered at all. And she probably never had. _Never mattered, to any of them. Never mattered at all. _

And she never had the fairy tale prince. The one who slew dragons for her. The one who swept her of her feet and loved her forever. The one who promised happy endings. She only had a boy _– a vampire - _who told her he loved her and dragged her along for months. And then he looked her in the eye and said '_you're not good enough for me.' _

She's been falling for years. And there's never been anyone there to catch her. And now she's hit rock bottom, and nobody can pull her up to her feet again.

There just not strong enough.

****

Months pass. Without her truly noticing it. Time is a strange thing she later thinks. Sometimes it passes slowly, agonizing, with each tick of the clock making you crazy. Sometimes it moves so fast, you can barely catch up with it. She's not entirely sure how time passed in those months. She supposes it depends who you ask. And then there's Jake. Suddenly he's there. Smiling – _he's always smiling – _and his happiness is almost contagious. She can't help but smile to.

Jake doesn't try to life her up. He doesn't try to help her back to her feet. It's strange – _really strange, not like vampires strange, but still strange – _but he doesn't. He does the exact opposite of what everyone else does. He doesn't try to life her up and make her stand on her own feet. He doesn't try to find a rope large enough to reach to wherever she has fallen – _she has not truly fallen down, she's still there, but sometimes it feels like she has – _he'll never find one anyway. He doesn't do all of that. He does the exact opposite. He jumps in behind her. He jumps in and sits down beside her, and allows her to lean on him, until she is strong enough to stand on her own feet. And then he'll help her crawl out of the hole she has fallen into. But until then he just sits at the bottom beside her.

She's not sure how it happened. But one day they go to the movies and Jake says '_I won't ever hurt you. I promise. You can count on me. I won't let you down.' _And she believe him. She believes everything that he says. And in the end she's not even completely sure why. But as she leans her head against his shoulder, she suddenly realizes.

She's not sitting at the bottom anymore, she's up here with Jake.

****

He almost pushes her back down again – _almost, he almost lets her go again – _after everything he did to help her, he almost destroys it all. And she's not actually surprised. After all she's never really had a father or a mother, or a stepfather that truly cares, or friends that stick around, and definitely never a fairy tale prince. So the fact that he _– who helped her back up, who seemed to actually love her – _lets her go again, doesn't actually surprise her. She almost expected it. But the difference – _with all the other times she's been let go – _is that she doesn't want to be let go. She doesn't want to lose him. She needs him. So she goes and search for her. And in a way that's even worse.

'_We can't be friends anymore…go away…And don't come back.' _

And she breaks. She almost falls – _just like she did before – _except that she doesn't. And it's not that she's gotten stronger, or has learned to accept it, or anything like that. She just looks him in the eyes. And he's never looked so broken, never so lost. And she can't help but think – _in the back of her mind – _that she may be standing, but he seems to be the one who's falling now. And she can't fall to, because neither one of them is strong enough to help them both back up. So she stands. She stands and he falls.

Somewhere, somehow, history repeats itself. Differently, but it repeats.

Nobody learns at all.

****

He's different. Very different. Unlike everybody else he comes back. Unlike the prince who leaves her in the dark woods and the family who never looks back. Unlike the father – _the father she loves, she truly does. But she can't help but wonder why he didn't try harder. Why he didn't fight harder for her to stay behind with him. Why she only saw him once a year, it's not like they were that far apart. And why it was that when she was thirteen she had a girl in her class who's father was in jail, and they saw each other every week. And Bella barely sees her father once a year. And she never really understood why that was, but she never asks either, so maybe she'll never find out – _unlike her mother – _who was never actually a mother. Who had a dozen boyfriends, but was never actually a mother. Her mother loved her, but she was to young, to changeable, to impulsive, to actually be a good mother. Never the responsible one, always the reckless one – _unlike the stepfather – _who she actually knew nothing about, but he knew nothing about her either. Neither one had truly tried to get to know the other one, but he was the grown up, he should have made the first move, but he may never and neither will she, so they're stuck in a loop that will go on forever – _and the friends that never call – _to be honest she never actually calls them either, but if they truly wanted they could have tried, since they didn't they must not have wanted to keep in touch – _Jake actually comes back.

He comes back. And that may be the reason why she remembers. Why she tries to get him back. Why she defies all of Sam's rules to be by his side. She tries. She's not strong enough to help him back on his feet if he keeps on falling, but she can stop him from falling. Be there for him. Never actually let him lose himself. The rest of the pack might not like her – _actually she's pretty sure they don't, some of them seem to actually hate her – _but Jake does – _for some reason she really can't comprehend – _and that's enough for her. That's really enough for her. She doesn't need anything else.

She doesn't know why she jumped of that cliff. Can't explain – _not even to herself – _why it was so important to hear his voice. Why she had to go and try that out. Except maybe that she almost needed that voice to go on. If only because she needed to believe that there was somebody that truly cared. She knows Jake cares – _Jake who's not from her imagination – _for some bizarre reason. But she can't believe it because she knows she's not good enough for him, she knows it because she's not good enough for the damn fairy tale prince, how could she be good enough for anyone else. _But fairy tales aren't real, and Edward isn't a prince and she isn't a princess. But she doesn't understand, she'll never understand. _

She jumps off the cliff. And she's falling again, falling, and falling. But this time she choose to fall.

For the first time she feels free.

****

Alice came back. She came back. Bella's not sure why any of them would come back, but it makes her feel important. The first friend who leaves, and then comes back to visit. _Jake doesn't count because he never actually left. _She really isn't choosing. It has nothing to do with werewolves or vampires. Nothing to do with Jake himself. It's all about the fact that she's never felt important and the werewolves never truly cared at all, just Jake does. And Alice – _anyone of them at all – _came back for. And that most mean something. It must mean she means something.

She just wants to understand why nobody ever stayed and fought for her.

Maybe it's just something she does wrong.

****

She just stands there. Edward called – _he called to see if she was alive – _got the wrong message and is on his way to Italy. He's going to die. He's going to die because of her, and she simply can't go. She can't go, because he told her she wasn't enough. Because he let her fall, and never went back to check if she was still standing. If she ever got back up. He didn't care, they didn't care. So why should she risk her life, for him? She can't. She sees it in Alice's eyes – _disapproval, hurt, anger – _this is not what she's supposed to do. But she can't move. Can't even breath. Can't move towards her. So she just stands there and watches her drive away – _if he dies it's her fault, but she can't go, she can't go, she loses them all now, she knows – _none of them will ever come back.

But it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter she loves Edward and the Cullen's. it doesn't matter whether she loves Edward or Jake more. It has never been more about that. Never. It's all about one simple fact. It's all about the things she's always known. She's never had a father who was actually there – _just Charlie once a year – _and she's never had a mother who was a mother – _just Renee who was more like a friend – _nor a step father who truly found out anything – _just her name, her age and where she lives – _not one friend who ever called – _not like she truly cares about any of them at all – _and never a fairy tale prince _– just a prince who said she wasn't good enough – _never actually had any of those. Never at all.

But she has Jake – _Jake who didn't hesitate to jump in behind her, and help her back to her feet – _and that's all she truly needs. She can't lose him. She just can't. So she lets Alice drive away – _alice has been gone for months anyway, it doesn't really matter anymore – _and watches until the car disappears into the distance.

Jake holds her close to him in one of his hugs – _the ones where she can't breathe – _and she's never felt so safe. Or loved.

****

It's two weeks later when she turns around. Changes the way she thinks, the way she counts. Before – _when she couldn't understand anything about her life – _she spend her time counting the things she doesn't have. Now, she still doesn't understand, but she's turned around. Now she count's the things she does have. The things that matter. She has Renee – _maybe not actually a real mother, but her best friend, and she is her mother, just not like other mothers, but a mother nevertheless – _and she has Charlie – _maybe not like other fathers, but he loves her, and he comes running every night when she screams, even though he knows she's not dying, even though he knows he can't help her, he always comes, and that means something – _she has a step father – _maybe he doesn't know much, but he tries, he tries to reach out, the best way he can, and that's enough – _and she has a pack of friends – _she's still not sure why any of them actually like her, but they do, and maybe she'll never understand, but that's okay as well – _and she counts up instead of down, and it makes her stand up. It makes her strong.

But most importantly she has Jake. Jake who's always been there. And maybe she doesn't think she's good enough for him _– she'll never actually be good enough for him – _but he seems to think she is, and she doesn't understand it either, but that's okay. Because she's finally good enough for somebody.

All she ever needed was Jake anyway.

***

Jacob Black is not a fairy tale prince. He's not a knight in shining armor – _he'd probably die of the heat anyway – _he doesn't have a white horse. He doesn't look like a prince either, he's definitely different. He doesn't need a sword to fight of dragons to save the princess – _first of all he'd never actually lose sight of the princess, second he wouldn't need a sword, Bella is pretty sure he'd be able to fight off a dragon with his bare …paws – _and he doesn't have a castle to ride of to.

Jacob black is not a fairy tale prince.

But that's okay. Because Bella Swan never believed in fairy tales anyway.


End file.
